" if this is to be the end....i would have them make such an end as to be worthy of remberance" -Theodin


I am torn for the first time when it comes to this. I have never before really been split equally down the middle. I grow weary of things even my patince is running out with aspects of my life. I am not sure what else to do. Am at a bit of a loss as to what my next steps should be.


So many things. My finances have gone into meltdown. Beond my ability to fix thus i am going to let them go. what else can i do but let them take what little i have managed to accumulate at this point?

My friends. I see them so rarely. And when i do see them i always want to talk to them about what's on my mind and they are sick of hearing about the same old things. so i kind of wonder. Was i wrong? Should i have just done as i always did and keep it bottled inside? let it fester and rot my soul? after all it harms no one but me if i do. And ever have i been one to take the pain unto myself rather than share it amongst those i care for.

There are so very few in my life i felt i could coonect with. Enjoy myself around. Just let loose and not hide who i was. One of them is gone and gone forever most likely because they are convinced i was utterly at fault and have no blame themselves. The others ( and yes there is more than one ) Have to much going on with their lives. I have no right to interject anymore worryt or concern amongst them.

I don;t want to be a burden to anyone anymore. I don;t want to struggle just to survive. Fiancialy or emotionaly anymore. I am just about ready to stop caring altogether. Not about others...for there my strength has always lain. it has always been in others i found my own strength. My want to help them. Listen to them. be with them. but me...in my own heart and mind...i am insignifigant. Perhaps that is my problem. I gave so much to others and rarely thought of myself that i am burned out. i don't care anymore about what it could have been.

Anyway i know this makes no sense. thes journals are written for me and me alone to know my thoughts at the time and recall in a way i will not b able to grasp tommrow what i knew now but will nothave resolved myself to then.

Anyway. Not sure how else to word things. As i said these are mostly for me at a later date. but i do have one thing to say and the one it is meant for will understand.

STOP READING MY JOURNALS AND GOING IN MY ROOM. IF I EVER GET THE SMALLEST EVIDENCE IT WAS YOU. YOUR GOING TO JAIL!!