"pain...without love...pain...can't get enough...pain....cause i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all." - three days grace


So here i sit AGAIN. Pouring another drink getting a little dumber and hopefully a little number. I think int he last two weeks something has gone severly wrong in or with me. I am under threat of being kicked out. The only person i get to spend any kinda real time with is leaving for the navy in three weeks. I have spent my entire vacation in an endless pursuit of non-boredom and monatiny.

I think thus far the highlight of my week was getting a hot girls number. Well of course i call a few times and get no anwer then i finnaly do and it's "don't call me again". Marvelous huh? I was excited for a day or two cause i for once had gotten a girls number and would'nt ya know it she just skipped the whole sexual and friendly parts of the relationship and goes straight for the kill.

Meh getting nowhere with my reclassification in the Navy. Every time i get an updae it's cause they want another damn bit of info or some form filled out or some other way to prove my eyes are fine if i get contacts. And i am pretty sure i am gonna Kill my Petty Officer if he does;nt get off his ass and get something done for me.

I found a new way to try and run a game on my PC today that i swore should have worked. course it does'nt not on MY system. Works on jans computer dads desktop or laptop but my system? Oh hell no that would have given me an enjoyable way to pass the next week.

Bah so i went back to old reliable Mr Jack Daniels. I can't decide if he is my friend or ambers LOL. Everytime i drink i feel better for a while thinking on whatever catches my attention i even laugh and mean it while drunk. been a LONG time since i really felt a laugh when not drunk. OH sure me and my bud laugh now and again but it feels more like a reaction like a sneeze or a cough not something done and enjoyed. make sense? Anyway i always inevitably think of amber and wind up somewhere private crying over her for a while. I miss her so much. I hate to sound sappy and sentimental but i miss being free to go over and snuggle anytime i wanted. Miss frying as she would nuggle up to me under the covers. Miss that speeded beat of my heart when she would turn to the side and the light caught in her eye.

I still love her in alot of ways. I do not kid myself i am not IN love with her. Once i was so very very in love. I have no doubt it was love true. A year later and i still feel it cut me as keenly as ever. Those feelings did not fade so much as devolve into a deep kinship. I would like to belive that as much as she enjoys the company of those she is in now and no matter how many times i hear she is doing with them the things that use to be just for us that somewhere deep down she has reserved something for just the two of us something she will never do again cause it was only special when it was done with me. I honestly doubt it the two or three things i considered to be this way she has already shattered those delusions by taking our mutual friend with her to do them.

ON a side note on that. I really wish she would leave me some damned options with him. She takes him to EVERY damn movie i would like to see with him to kings island, the zoo concerts, the gathering, out for a tattoo, i mean what the hell am i supposed to do to compare to that?? She did it all with him what the hell am i left with except the beyond pitiful "uhh how bout a beer and a game of pool while we listen to music that breaks our hearts?" Yanno....i should just leave him alone i have nothing to offer him that he is not getting from her or his beloved.

and on a side note of that. HOld onto it dude. HOld it for all your worth. don;t let ANYTHING get in the way you have no idea not even a clue how badly it will hurt when it is over forever and there is not the smallest hope left things will ever be even slightly restored. Please dude i need you to hold on if for no other reason i live vicarisouly through you in the love front.

Wow long on today huh folks? Blame jack not me. Anyway int he long short i think the only two rasons...WOO HOO there are two now nbot just my son. I thinkt he only trwo reasons i have'nt ended myself is my son and i am hoping to what few gods are not laughing at me that the navy will drill the love out of me and make me a souless machine incapable of anything but focus and discipline......shoulda joined the marines afterall.

I wish i had a way to give her a letter. I don't think it would make a diffrence. It;s nto a matter of it restoring a friendship it;s more a matter of being aloowed to speak...errrr write as it were to explain myself on some things. to ask questions in another. Mostly it would be to know not to hand it to her but to KNOW she read it. i think in some small way i could be satisfied she read my words and considered them for even a moment.

Amber....You still have my soul.....if you know how....please return it. I am an empty man without it...prone to drink when i have a bottle and slack off when allowed....i need some level of closure real closure not the kind attained with a bottle of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes and a pitiful amount of tears.

in conclusion folks...as per my previous journal where i was going to post my story i had been working on for over a year....scratch that is destroyed it tonight,,,alll 532 pages of notesd and dialoge and written drafts....it's all gone.

If any of you live in cincinnati....end me....i will will everything to you.